Sea Green

Ephemera etc.

Monday, December 17, 2007

It's all very

Well, this time of year, it's all very - you know - busy. Reflective. Family angsty. Christmas drnk-y. Christmas craft-y. 'Catch ups'. Clean your desk at work-y. Parties. Days off.

Have been making cards with glue stick and recycled paper. Thought they were bonza till just two nights ago when it came to address envelopes and write in them - then I saw all their frail, wonky little edges (I'm a bit slap dash with the scissors) and thought.. hmmm, maybe these wont do afterall. Nevertheless, I've waded on in and am using them.

Have been lingering over my decision about where to spend Christmas - in what city, for how long etc, but have come to a landing and gone ahead and just now confirmed a trip north. Hoping to spend some 'quality time' with my family and hoping that it wil be more relaxed than the last visit, in Feb, which went rather disasterously - so much going on, multiple houseguests, family squables, extended family stress, and everyone trying hard to not rock the boat and it geting rockier and rockier by the minute. I hope this time will be easier because they've moved house, and it seems like a better set up, with less logistical hassles, and more room for everyone to get away from each other when needed, in the new place. It may also be calmer because I think only one of my mum's partners teenage sons wil be coming, which means the two of them - the two teenage sons- wont fight like angry rhinos anytime they get left alone for more than 5 minutes. I grew up in a house where no-one yelled and screamed at each other, and no bones were broken, so seeing two kids get so angry at each other, and make so much noise and lash out at each other so that people get hurt, is really stressful. (NB they are nice kids on their own! I think their own early childhoods were pretty stressful and full of fighting etc etc, so I don't 'blame' them for having those tendancies per say, but it doesn't make it nice to be around). I hope that it will also be easier because I've been working on boundary issues, and hopefully wont feel so responsible for everyone and everything when I'm up there (stressful to feel a high degree of responsibility and high degree of powerlessness about situations, which parallels my childhood feelings for my family). etc. So for all those reasons and more, I feel confident that it will be OK. PLus I am absolutely hanging out to see my little brother. He is three and a half now and can have conversaions in words. He can sing, make jokes, tell you stories, it's really quite amazing. All with this high pitched, earnest litle angel voice, it's enough to make your heart break.

Have been Christmas shopping - torn, as ever, betwen a zillion feelings about consumerism vs family tradition. Making a stand for my own values vs upsetting people I care about. The joy of giving and the joy of recieving and the confusion of all that in a global and historical context that makes these traditions in their curent incarnation seem warped and delusional. The slightly false feeling of loud insitent frenetic Christmas carols and people on sugar and stress highs in supermarkets. Knowing that all the plastic toys came from the ground via trucks via factories, via more trucks via wholesalers and retailers and wrapped and wrapped again in packaging and that the whole lot - the things and their byproducts - will mostly end up polluting air, water and soil - becoming more landfill, demanding more land be unearthed to create them, requiring more noble forests lay down to become their paper sheaths. And that most pepole consume without even thinking of these links - that most people see things starting at the store and ending at the bin. The knowing that the money spent collectively in just my city on wrapping paper and ribbons and cards alone - not to mention the big chunks of things that go in them - could probably have bought books for schoolfulls of girls in a poor country who might not get an education, or might have bought basic medicine for kids dying of disentry in their mothers arms and being buried in dry graves - and it's not so much that we spend it on the one and not the other that disturbs me most, it's the disconnect, the fact that at the same time reality can be choosing whether to have silver or gold envelopes for the Christmas cards this year (/what colour lace underpants to buy/whether to go raffia or ribon on the gifts/what kind of cookie cutter to buy - these are all mine, ridgy didge serious shopping musings of mine these last few days) and elsewhere there can be pain and suffering that our own choices and behaviours could help. It seems so surreal as to render our experience of reality with this lack of connection almost peverse. Strange days. So - how did I grapple with it this year? As I said, made cards with recycled paper and old pictures with my housemates. With most of my extended family will forgo the gift giving or go with some kind of consumable share present, or give them their fair trade hand made souvenir from Vietnam that I've hung onto till now. With my immediate family have gone the old route - dvds, books, tshirts as per their requests (and had fun buying them!). With friends am mostly not giving gifts, except maybe something little for their kids. I signed up to a new charity that helps refugees. I'm using recycled brown paper and funky strips from old wrapping paper to wrap things in. And I'm probably spending enough on champagne for parties and lazy cafe lates at cafes to help save a whole village from something awful. And I am enjoying unwraping every present I get just like a kid. Ooh the contradictions.

(My mum doesn't get it - she says 'yes but every culture has a tradition of gift giving. And anyway, even if you don't get presents you'd spend money anyway, on food or drink going to someone's plae for Christmas. The Nepalese have a particularly interesting example of giving presents.'
I say 'oh, what is it?'
She says, sighing 'I can't remember, I don't have all the details, I have the notes somewhere if you're interested.'
I end up feeling like she thinks I am some tight fisted scrooge who just begrudges geting them presents, that I am a hypocrite who buys things all year round and gets suddenly self aware about it at this time of year, that I am half in and half out of this cultural tradition, or at least, these are my own fears. But it's like a lot of things in our culture - if they weren't so completely without self awareness I wouldn't feel so uncomfortable with them, if they weren't so extreme I wouldn't feel the need to hang back and be the counterweight, if they were more modest and thoughtful and optional I wouldn't feel so uncomfortable joining in.)

Have been going to and not going to Christmas parties. Went to the studio party but notthe office christmas party (without a good reason at all). Had a great time at teh studio party and a great time not going to my work one.

Put in the form for 4 days a week at 32 hours - 8 hr per day. Decided wimpy option could work just fine and would be better than nothing.

Hope it's all very, but not too, for you too.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

old red eye and the underworld

Apparently Jupiter and Pluto are doing funny things to each other today. It's the start of a big new astrological phase of expanding boundaries (Jupiter) and dealing with the unconscious or sublimated aspects of our selves (Pluto). Astrobarry has a lot to say on the matter, and talks of the costs of not initiating change, versus the costs of doing it. This comes as the 'yes please I'd like to go part time in 2008' form sits part filled in on my kitchen table. Funny how even when you think 'yes, I'm going to do it' and read the policy, print the form, later put pen to paper, there is still this urge to keep it small ('oh maybe I can work my exact same hours now but do it in 4 days, that way I wont at least do more than 35 hours a week' - which would mean a reduction in the total amount of work I do plus a day extra of not thinking about it and doing other things) partly because that would also not cut my wage at all - me, despite not caring particularly about having a high income or keeping up with the Joneses still influenced deeply by that sense of 'but you will be GIVING UP SECURITY!!! You will BE EARNING less!" which screams hysterically like the script from some kind of archetypal germ phobic television mother in a nice tailored shirt running in the back of my mind.

Why go part time? (Or as various people at work have said when I've floated the idea "but what would you do on the other day???"). My answer to you guys, but not in this detail to them, is:
- because I have been working really long days at times, and if I am going to do that again next year I would rather only do it 4 days a week not 5, so that I feel better rested and don't burn out and find myself ready to scream "you can all just fuck off, I'm quitting and going to live on an island" (which would be counterproductive as I quite like working there, and know for a fact that islands often have biting insects that I don't like, and anyway, I quite like where I'm living).
- because I would love to have at least one 'work day' where I work on things other than the projects I get to work on through my office job. I'd like to work in the studio, work on my life drawing skills, work on writing things that I think up rather than the things I get asked to write because someone else thinks they need writing, to work on making my local community a more kind and supportive place through getting involved in community projects like mentoring disadvantaged kids or helping set up volunteer programs on peace and ecological issues in Sydney. I'd like to 'work' on my relationships, on reducing my personal ecological footprint through cooking and eating at home and composting my waste, through mending and reusing, through having time to rethink the bigger issues, without feeling like I 'have to' grab another takeaway in a takeaway container because I don't have time to do otherwise. To have time to sweep the kitchen floor and gaze out the back window at the mango tree getting fruit.
- I'd like to reframe things so that my 'work' feels like anything I choose to do that impacts on things around me, whether it pays in dollars per hour, 'pays' me in other benefits, or not. I'd like to redefine my current job from being 'my work' to being 'one of the things I'm working on'/ 'one thing I do', and think of it all as the curent embodiment of my 'life's work'. Or maybe even ditch the whole word with it's 1950's necktie associations and refuse to be told that some things are 'work' and some things are 'play' and think that it is all experience and learning, really it's all just life. I've been to social events that feel like hard work, and had days at work that are sweet and satisfying, so the dstinction seems kind of arbitrary. The cynic in me thinks that work is made out to be very hard and boring to justify the market for fun which is made out to be very satisfying and identity forming (and available for sale). I would rather rethink this distinction for myself.
- I aspire only to be in paid work if it is something I would be happy to do even if I wasn't being paid. This is the 'if I won the lotto would I still go to my day job' type test. That might sound like something that only a middle class educated person in a wealthy western country might have the luxury of saying (if we assume we would only want to do wonderfuly fun and stimulating jobs if we weren't being paid, and assume that only educated and privelidged people have the chance to access jobs like these), but I actually think it's more subtle than that. There are lots of reasons I work, and turn up to work, and money is by no means all of it. I work to try to do something useful, I work to have human contact, I work to help out actual people who would be trying to do it by themselves if others didn't pitch in. I still want to do all of that, and can imagine myself wanting this in all kinds of jobs, not just ones where you get a business card and a desk and your hands stay clean. But... to bring all this waffle back to my actual point - when I apply the 'would I be hapy to do this if I wasn't being paid' question to my job as it has been, I think 'no'. No I wouldn't skip meals and be stressed and get tired doing it. I wouldn't do it for so many hours - it would not be given my attention at the expense of the other things I care about. I wouldn't do projects I'm not interested in. If I had the choice daily of whether to go or not I'd do it, but not for quite so many days, and I'd exert more influence over what things I do while there. Which, paradoxically, is all available to me now, without winning the lotto, but it's so easy to get caught up in 'but its just work, work is like that' mindset.

So... this brings me to - how? What would the part-time set up look like?

Compared to the one I mentioned above, the truly radical option (hey, comparatively) is dropping to 4 days a week and doing only 28 hours (ie not committing to longer days, and taking a pay cut (actually doing only 28 hours would mean 10-15 less work hours a week in practice, but only 7 hours less pay). Or, even more so, dropping to 3 days and doing 28 hours (I find longer days quite useful actually, you get to get a big chunk done, and get some quieter bits of the day when other people go home, and so 9ish hour days seem fine - 12 is not fine, 9 is fine).

Of course either or both of these require that I reduce my pay by one fifth (which I think I can live on comfortably, if a little more frugally), and both require that I establish better boundaries about work and how it interfaces with my other needs (otherwise 3 days would become 4 become 5 become 6 again, 9 hours become 10 become checking work emails from home). But that's OK because I know that getting better at boundaries and being assertive is critical to actually sustaining some kind of career over time (see: island, move to, above).

* Note: job in the mountains before this one was only 3 days, was great, but didn't require any negiotiation and actual exertion of choice on my behalf to make it like that - that was all that was on offer.

Monday, December 10, 2007

so-real

I am floating on lack of sleep. All bag lady brown corduroy dress, wild 4 in the morning hair, and eyes spaced from screen staring on a mission to work. What am I talking about? Today was meant to be my first day of annual leave for a Christmas break but I had so many things on last week that I hadn’t finished all the project stuff I was meant to, so I went in yesterday to get some quiet sneaky Sunday hours in, and hopefully to finish everything. But that didn’t work, with a few key tasks left undone when I left last night (at 9.30? 10? I can’t remember) although sporting a freshly tidied and beautifully sorted desk ready for January re-entry. I came home, showered, fell into bed and looked forward to a sleep in, but I woke up at quarter to 4 this morning, wide away from a detailed dream about workshopping a particular concept between some of the theory and folk and some of the practitioners I work with. It was a good idea for a workshop. My waking self agrees that this particular term warrants closer inspection, and better definition, and that a workshop could help. My waking self had no idea my subconscious was worried about it, and certainly didn’t expect to be awake, wide awake, and buzzing before the sun rose as a result. So I got up, threw clothes on, and decided to make the most of it. Figured it was better to face the lingering tasks and then really enjoy being on holidays, rather than knowing that I had another 3 hour chunk waiting for me in the next few days. I was at work just before 5. Heavens. I made coffee, I worked like a wide awake/ sleep walking dreamer. Focused, light sensitive, a bit spacey. Did the main task I’d been putting off. Sent a few emails to hand on the baton and get other people to do the lingering bits that need conversations with people in office hours. I did all this, set my out of office email, re-recorded my voicemail message to tell anyone who wants to know that I am holiday. I snuck out by just after 7.30, desperate to leave before anyone arrived. I felt like some character from a spy film, thriller that involves breaking in to places and trying to beat the clock, steal company secrets and get out before the first lab coat wearing boffin turns the corner of the corridor. Only I wasn’t stealing anything I was doing work. Sneakily trying to leave one last project wrapped up. Hardly the stuff of thrillers, but it felt thrilling. Then I left. On the bus I nodded, like some early morning user. Wondering if I’d miss my stop, but I didn’t. Now I’m home. Delirious slightly- you mean that’s it? School’s out? I’m free to do what I want? What do I want?. Oh I know, mushrooms. Yes, but apart from mushrooms, what do I want. Toast? No, no, you know, this morning, today, this week? Sleep, and then… Anything. My words will be my own for 3 whole weeks (oh apart from a sneaky little meeting I agreed to go to later this week because its away from the office and the last one for the project). I can do random ramblings and get ready for Christmas, send parcels and write in cards and do washing and sleep in and read holiday books and have catch ups with old friends and family and do more nothing much, and, and, and. Yah.

Sunday, December 09, 2007

Are you hungry? Are you sad? Are you sweet? Are you fresh?

Not really, just ate. Um, maybe, but it could be the rain. Not so sure, sometimes. Hardly, hungover more like it, but thanks for asking Radiohead.

Monday, December 03, 2007

5 kinds of bored

1. The 'detox' going without coffee but I really want a coffee now - bored
2. The aching boredom of lingering tasks waiting for you at work that you need to do before you go on holidays
3. The 'this would be interesting if I only cared a little bit more' bored
4. The Radio Head makes me feel a little sad melancholic boredom
5. The please don't talk to me I'm premenstrual and all your conversation seems trite and I may feel the need to tell you' boredom

And as a special bonus, your free, no extra cost additional boredom:
6. The 'maybe if this had a french name it would sound more glamorous' boredom

thinking time

Interesting article in the Age by John Watson - about wsidom, thought, unconscious musing and quiet time. One that resonates with me, fan as I am of the quiet mosey about the house, and aimless uninterrupted day dreaming. I find it reallly important to my peace of mind, and I absolutely find that my 'best' (most innovative, most elegantly problem solving, most useful) ideas come unbidden, just arriving like an unexpected but welcome strange insect with glittering wings, fully formed and completely inexplicable. They come when I am doodling, or sweeping the leaves in the backyard, or quietly doing the dishhes, or looking out the window on the bus. They come when I am alone, when I am sleeping, when I am walking. They don't arrive on call when I am ticking off a to do list, or feeling stressed, or in a meeting with 7 minutes allocated to brainstorming but while I am worried about something else at my desk.

Watson talks about being struck by Paul Theroux's reflections in The New York Times on "America the Overfull", in which he lamented the loss of "a country of enormous silence and ordinariness (and) empty spaces": "I grew up in a country of sudden and consoling lulls, which gave life a kind of pattern and punctuation, unknown now," Theroux wrote. "It was typified by the somnolence of Sundays … There were empty parts of the day, of the week, of the year …"

He goes on to talk about the important role of quiet time in allowing the brain to develop long term memories, and to the quality of thought, the opportunity for new ways of thinkinng, or creative thought: "The imperatives of productivity and efficiency demand that not a minute be wasted. Time is money. But the cost to our quality of thought is immeasurable. We are too busy to think." This leads to some interesting questions about 'quality of life' and whether the growth in economic wealth in Australia has come at the cost of time, and what that might mean for a society our like ours. Especially, perhaps, as we face big problems that need new approaches.

(Source: "Can't think now, I'm busy" John Watson, The Age December 1, 2007
From:
http://www.theage.com.au/news/opinion/cant-think-now-im- busy/2007/11/30/1196394620979.html?page=fullpage )