It's all very

Well, this time of year, it's all very - you know - busy. Reflective. Family angsty. Christmas drnk-y. Christmas craft-y. 'Catch ups'. Clean your desk at work-y. Parties. Days off.

Have been making cards with glue stick and recycled paper. Thought they were bonza till just two nights ago when it came to address envelopes and write in them - then I saw all their frail, wonky little edges (I'm a bit slap dash with the scissors) and thought.. hmmm, maybe these wont do afterall. Nevertheless, I've waded on in and am using them.

Have been lingering over my decision about where to spend Christmas - in what city, for how long etc, but have come to a landing and gone ahead and just now confirmed a trip north. Hoping to spend some 'quality time' with my family and hoping that it wil be more relaxed than the last visit, in Feb, which went rather disasterously - so much going on, multiple houseguests, family squables, extended family stress, and everyone trying hard to not rock the boat and it geting rockier and rockier by the minute. I hope this time will be easier because they've moved house, and it seems like a better set up, with less logistical hassles, and more room for everyone to get away from each other when needed, in the new place. It may also be calmer because I think only one of my mum's partners teenage sons wil be coming, which means the two of them - the two teenage sons- wont fight like angry rhinos anytime they get left alone for more than 5 minutes. I grew up in a house where no-one yelled and screamed at each other, and no bones were broken, so seeing two kids get so angry at each other, and make so much noise and lash out at each other so that people get hurt, is really stressful. (NB they are nice kids on their own! I think their own early childhoods were pretty stressful and full of fighting etc etc, so I don't 'blame' them for having those tendancies per say, but it doesn't make it nice to be around). I hope that it will also be easier because I've been working on boundary issues, and hopefully wont feel so responsible for everyone and everything when I'm up there (stressful to feel a high degree of responsibility and high degree of powerlessness about situations, which parallels my childhood feelings for my family). etc. So for all those reasons and more, I feel confident that it will be OK. PLus I am absolutely hanging out to see my little brother. He is three and a half now and can have conversaions in words. He can sing, make jokes, tell you stories, it's really quite amazing. All with this high pitched, earnest litle angel voice, it's enough to make your heart break.

Have been Christmas shopping - torn, as ever, betwen a zillion feelings about consumerism vs family tradition. Making a stand for my own values vs upsetting people I care about. The joy of giving and the joy of recieving and the confusion of all that in a global and historical context that makes these traditions in their curent incarnation seem warped and delusional. The slightly false feeling of loud insitent frenetic Christmas carols and people on sugar and stress highs in supermarkets. Knowing that all the plastic toys came from the ground via trucks via factories, via more trucks via wholesalers and retailers and wrapped and wrapped again in packaging and that the whole lot - the things and their byproducts - will mostly end up polluting air, water and soil - becoming more landfill, demanding more land be unearthed to create them, requiring more noble forests lay down to become their paper sheaths. And that most pepole consume without even thinking of these links - that most people see things starting at the store and ending at the bin. The knowing that the money spent collectively in just my city on wrapping paper and ribbons and cards alone - not to mention the big chunks of things that go in them - could probably have bought books for schoolfulls of girls in a poor country who might not get an education, or might have bought basic medicine for kids dying of disentry in their mothers arms and being buried in dry graves - and it's not so much that we spend it on the one and not the other that disturbs me most, it's the disconnect, the fact that at the same time reality can be choosing whether to have silver or gold envelopes for the Christmas cards this year (/what colour lace underpants to buy/whether to go raffia or ribon on the gifts/what kind of cookie cutter to buy - these are all mine, ridgy didge serious shopping musings of mine these last few days) and elsewhere there can be pain and suffering that our own choices and behaviours could help. It seems so surreal as to render our experience of reality with this lack of connection almost peverse. Strange days. So - how did I grapple with it this year? As I said, made cards with recycled paper and old pictures with my housemates. With most of my extended family will forgo the gift giving or go with some kind of consumable share present, or give them their fair trade hand made souvenir from Vietnam that I've hung onto till now. With my immediate family have gone the old route - dvds, books, tshirts as per their requests (and had fun buying them!). With friends am mostly not giving gifts, except maybe something little for their kids. I signed up to a new charity that helps refugees. I'm using recycled brown paper and funky strips from old wrapping paper to wrap things in. And I'm probably spending enough on champagne for parties and lazy cafe lates at cafes to help save a whole village from something awful. And I am enjoying unwraping every present I get just like a kid. Ooh the contradictions.

(My mum doesn't get it - she says 'yes but every culture has a tradition of gift giving. And anyway, even if you don't get presents you'd spend money anyway, on food or drink going to someone's plae for Christmas. The Nepalese have a particularly interesting example of giving presents.'
I say 'oh, what is it?'
She says, sighing 'I can't remember, I don't have all the details, I have the notes somewhere if you're interested.'
I end up feeling like she thinks I am some tight fisted scrooge who just begrudges geting them presents, that I am a hypocrite who buys things all year round and gets suddenly self aware about it at this time of year, that I am half in and half out of this cultural tradition, or at least, these are my own fears. But it's like a lot of things in our culture - if they weren't so completely without self awareness I wouldn't feel so uncomfortable with them, if they weren't so extreme I wouldn't feel the need to hang back and be the counterweight, if they were more modest and thoughtful and optional I wouldn't feel so uncomfortable joining in.)

Have been going to and not going to Christmas parties. Went to the studio party but notthe office christmas party (without a good reason at all). Had a great time at teh studio party and a great time not going to my work one.

Put in the form for 4 days a week at 32 hours - 8 hr per day. Decided wimpy option could work just fine and would be better than nothing.

Hope it's all very, but not too, for you too.