a fresh year just out of its wrapper

Welcome to 2011. I suppose you've already met it? Shy fellow, doesn't talk much, but will probably get going as the evening wears on.

New Year for me has been about homes, and holidays, work, and crafty projects.

Home, in that I'm buying a house! My significant other is already buying and living in it, but as of tomorrow when the bank settles the new loan, we both will be (buying it that is, not living in it - more on that later). Funny how something that previously I had held in my mind as this huge, contested, confusing and slightly overwhelming life decision / stage/ task just crept in as a very tangible, practical possibility with not much philosophical angst (the nature of owning property, the idea of carving up and privately owning land) and surprisingly little commitment angst (I have never even committed to a phone plan, surprises me that signing up to a 25 year loan hasn't freaked me out completely). I think it's in no small part due to the relationship, doing something with someone else can be less daunting than doing it yourself (total hats off to all the single folk who manage to do property solo, you have more courage than me!), and doing it with someone who cares about you and who is practical, stable, good with money and who you trust helps.

So, house. Yes and apart from endless bank paperwork, which fingers crossed should be done with on MONDAY when we are due to settle (property purchase talk for loan is now yours), there has been painting and hardware and door handles. Which I find I like. Except for the unrelenting unfinishedness of it all (for the love of gaia can one room please be completely painted and not have any tools left in it) and also less keen on the purely algebraic tradeoff beween hours spent discussing logistics versus time with your sweetheart doing lovely fun cultural excusions, bushwalks or dinner out. X is time painting and talking about painting (or similar) and y is time doing other things and z is the total time off you have together. You get the idea. This because we don't live together and I still expect Quality Time to be the main thing we do together. It's a transition into another phase of being in relationship I guess, one where you willingly trade some rnr and the money you would have spent on outings to work together on a project you both want done. Fortunately we both enjoy doing hands on things and we work well together, and find doing the house stuff satisfying. I can even handle (large hardware chain) with him, even if it's still not my favourite place to visit (too big and overwhelming and dusty and crammed full of products and raises lots of uncomfortable feelings about consumption and DIY and what happens to all the old stuff etc). Actually, truth be told I quite like the plants and paint swatches and even buy coffee there sometimes.

In terms of living arrangements, for now I am staying put in my inner west share house, and spending at least a day a week at the other house. This seems extravagant probably, and does mean we will save more slowly for the renovations, but it's important for me. I think one step at a time in terms of commitment is my preferred approach, and personal space is by far my most contested and precious commodity - far more precious to me than my finances. I think that when I feel ready I will know, and then I will move in.

Also, moving in would require I swap suburbs (living space aside) and that is something I'm not ready to do yet. Sure, I could so not afford to buy the house I'm renting (unless my income doubled or quadrupled) but I have grown very fond of living the inner city life with cafes a short walk away, harbour views, book shops etc. Suburbia is also a contested concept for me (which significant other doesn't really get, he's very practical and thinks everything that's metro sydney is sydney, ie what's the difference really - that and he loves the quiet of living near bushland) and I do have some reservations about the area (does anyone down there read? does anyone other than me walk anywhere? are all the teenage boys violent thugs who look like they need a good feed and some face wash?). Oh goddess, listen to me - I am a snob, there is totally no two ways about it.

Holidays are the other thing I've been spending time and thought on so far this year. We go away for 5 weeks in late March and all of April to London, other bits of the UK, Scotland and Paris. Holiday is to go to significant other's sister's wedding but using the 'while we're there' principle has grown into a decent sized break with some exciting new places to visit. Am researching old things / afternoon teas/ zine shops/ book shops/ old art/ new art/ new craft/ enviro stuff (as long as its kind of creative and interesting) to see. I know it's a cliche, but I can say with some gusto 'I really need a break'. Not least because.. segway here to work...I am really really tired.

Yes so work. It feels like every December for the last few years (sometimes earlier - last year it was start of November) I get 'over it' and can barely imagine how I'll be able to get through the last days until Christmas break. It's this tired / over it / stopped caring feeling that makes it really hard to ramp up and get anything done. And my job doesn't have a lot of 'busy work' that I can noodle through when feeling demotivated. I suppose like a lot of people's jobs, it's all about making something new, thinking up something new, finding something new, reading more content and synthesising it. But the thing is none of that feels possible when you're tired/ over it / don't care. So I hang in there until the break and then think 'surely this year will be different - I can't be in that position again this end of year' - enter the January Career Crisis. On loop.

And why do I think this is?

Well I have lots of alternating theories about styles of work, work tasks, why I picked the field/ role to begin with, but a few random observations of things that I think probably don't help:
- taking annual leave - last year I took leave to do uni, go to conferences etc because I'd run out of work professional development time to do things. Bad idea. Note to self: annual leave is for resting or adventuring, not for doing extra work that doesn't fit into work time (unless it's particularly fun).
- facing another generation of keen beans - we recruited some young and fresh faced folk last year and I think the contrast between their wide eyed bushy tailed and my lacklustre tail and puffy half asleep eyes has been a shock. It has reminded me of what enthusiasm for what we do looks like and reminds me that I don't have it. Any more? Did I ever? I certainly had anxiety about doing a good job of it, and that provided lots of energy. But I'm not sure I even have that now.
- the exposure to new folk as above has also brought out a rather unbecoming internal response of 'I KNOW THAT ALREADY!!! I DID THAT YEARS AGO!!!!' which booms through my head in a very irritated snippy voice loaded with exasperation anytime someone remarks with wonder about a program they've just heard about or an idea of how to do something which I feel like I know inside out. I feel like I'm surrounded by people just discovering stuff that I have read about, tried, tried again and seen done in several contexts.
- Curiosity. My job requires a lot of curiositity (or discipline and I lack the latter). I feel like doing my job without feeling curious is like eating without feeling hungry - pointless, uncomfortable and kind of makes you feel sick.

It has made me think about cycles of interest and cycles of activity and recharge. I think I could do my job for 6 months of the year - 12 is just far too many. Or I think I could do my job if all I did was review other people's work and come up with ideas and not have to actually read any more technical reports or articles on things I don't care about (namely anything enviro-technical, enviro anything, education anything, anything I've done years of). I feel like I could have done my job for 3 years, but 5 plus (this year is entering the plus) is just too many. I like the idea of sabbaticals, and for me, I would want one every 3 years (or 5 years at the latest)no matter what organisation or field I worked in. Time to do versus time to reflect and review. Time to work in teams with people versus time to work alone. Time to try and then time to write up and share the learnings and find new fields that interest you.

So maybe that's the problem as much as anything (assuming for the sake of argument that the problem is not just that I'm lazy, a whinger, crazy, middle class and ungrateful for having a decent job which after all is permanent and pays the bills and doesn't send me down a salt mine) - cycles. No one really helps you figure out what it is you like from your work and what kind of career you'll need in terms of what the main things are that interest you or you get out of things. Everyone seems to think if you like a topic (trains for instance) and you have a job to do with trains that pays OK and has all the nice cosy things (friendly people to work with! afternoon teas! nice decor! stamps from the teacher when you do a good job! annual leave! a pay packet that chugs upwards each year! status so people are impressed when you tell them at dinner parties what you do!) that thsi will be enough. How do you figure out whether maybe you like learning and after 3 years you'll have it figured out and be bored and that you should move on to something new? Or what the underlying drivers are for you in work and how to do the things that satisfy you most (so that you can keep doing them, and you want to do them well)?

I think there is something about the learning curve, and the kinds of things I like learning about, and how I like to share the learning/ apply it to new situations.

My current job has an aura of diversity about it, but after time I feel a bit like I'm stuck in school, doing the same grade subject each year. Yes, it's year 11 physics again. And year 11 math, and English. Sure the basic thing we'll do is the same, but hey, we have thought up different assignment wording! If we change the name of the client and the town it's based in and the random grant funding it's attached to and make you read new facts and figures from some new reports you might even be fooled into thinking this is something new! The details change, but the tasks stay the same. But I'm surrounded by people who think this is Fun! and Interesting! It makes me want to groan. Or growl in that way and old dog would who is surrounded by very loud puppies who wont let it rest.

So. Lets leave that there and get onto craft projects. My projects for the moment and dreaming for the year are:
- finish knitted rug for charity
- maybe make lap rugs out of the squares I have that I thought I would make a double bed blanket out of
- print and distribute (including to some Euro zine shops if possible while on hols) a bunch of the drawn, written and in a shoe box zine backlog
- run some craft workshops for friends/ friends of friends/ the general public
- submit some illustrations to some publications whilst also learning illustrator, photoshop, making a creative cv, getting an image website up and running and maybe blogging about the process (I call this as yet unstarted project a piece of auto-ethnographical social research the 'I want to be an illustrator' project)
- go to some sewing classes so I can get some basic sewing skills, to help with backlog of modification and new garment ideas
- do a painting class and start a series of portraits of people from history who I find interesting

Oh and finish my Masters. If that's a craft project. Oh I wish it was - if only I could finish it using paintings or perhaps a series of painted dollies about the issues facing strategic planning / enviro policy/ international development. My masters has been limping along erraticaly since 2004. No wonder I'm sick of that too (and the topics are all the same as work - ugh).

Oops, so much for finishing on an up note!

Anyway, that's what's hot and not this January 2011 in the very small corner of the world I'm in.