nap-licious and not another career crisis

Oh I wanted a nap at work today. So much. So, so, so much. I actually secretly scoped the meeting rooms, with a growing sense of urgency, like some kind of sleep addict. I couldn't find that perfect combo of not visible from the door, dark, and enough room to lie down. So I went out for a brisk walk instead. Soaked up some sun, enjoyed the heat on skin, saw the young men and women in overalls smoking and kicking the ground out the front of the mechanics college, saw people in utes driving places, people in cafes looking out. Wall, footpath, spilt black ooze, leaves, shattered glass, crumbling paint, leaves of trees and tall plants tickling my eyes as I slide them over their green. Was nice to be out, to get visual and sensory stimulation.

Had to phone a friend (metaphorically) and get someone else to help finish writing something today - just ran out of steam, cobbled together a crappy paragraph and then said 'please just edit it I think it's crap'. Like all my energy had just seeped out and there were no words left in my fingers or brain. It was the tired thing I think. Got up too early and didn't quite last the distance. Some days - maybe too often - I really wonder about this work thing. Am I any god at this thing I do? Why do I do it? What else could I do that is useful, makes me happpy and I have something to contribute/ am good at? I see these floating rings of some mythical venn diagram where those little rings are just trying to overlap but don't exactly, maybe they gently bounce off and arouoind each other, trying too find a way to connnect, to catch hold, and settle in close to each other.

So... Is what I do useful? Well, I could definitely make an argument for it being the case. It is kind of the job which is a logical progression of the last 7 years of work 'in my field', and strangely all the bits jobs and activist and volunteer stuff before that. And the study too. So in that way seems to be exactly what I was angling for, my dream, 'useful' job. After all the 'themes' that I work on are all very topical and related to sustainability, environmental protection, natural resources, living within our means, better decision maing, better public engagement in decision making etc. Some of the projects result in demonstrable change, real life actual decisions made differently (well, not so many of mine recently, but collectively with some of my colleagues projects counted too this is the case). Others I trust contribute somehow to the ripples of change, little pushes in complex systems that may end up with results somewhere surprising later. So 'useful'? Kind of. Arguably. You would think so, and that would be why I am there.

Am I good at it? Well, before I answer this one maybe I should ponder on why this is one of the things that I have on my list of criteria for 'sniffing out my life's work'. Why is it that I think that the perfect combo should involve me doing something I'm good at? Based partly on that idea that we alll have skills (I can just hear Napolean Dynamite right about now ' bow hunting skills, num chuck skills...'), you know, special skills, things that come easily for us but that are useful to others, and therefore it makes sense to focus our contributions on these things... but is it also just because I'm lazy, and can't bear the idea of slogging away at something that I'm bad at, doesn't feel right or feels forced? So hard to know whether I'm just trying to find the wei wei (Tao style) or whether I am just hideously lazy and conceited and don't want to find that my life's work involves slogging away at something hard and unrewarding that I suck at. But you know despite these concerns, I think I stick by the decision to have this as one of the considerations. After all I really like the idea of finding yoour grove and giving generously and easily from whatever it is I have the most to give from.

Oh - and my current job - am I good at it? Not sure. Good at thinking up new ideas, analytical thinking, making ridiculously detailed tables, sometimes writing. Good at making jokes to lighten things up when I think meetings have gone boring. Learn quickly and know little bits about lots of diffferent topics. Good at remembering lots of things all at once and making connections between things. Good at initiating social stuff and sometimes making tea.(Uhuh, yep, if this is my next job application I can just feel the rejection letter coming!). Not so good at constancy - sometimes chatty, sometimes want time 'in my cave'. Not so good at caring about doing all the squillions of little things I remember need doing. Terribly reluctant when it comes to just sticking to my task list and doing what I'm told. Not good at being quiet and holding back my opinions. Not good at dressing corporate, minding my own business, doing fiddly calculations. Actually reallly reallly quite bad at minding my own business and doing things I find boring. Very very good at thinking up new systems and procedures and opportunities and how to get things done. And the mix of what needs doing at my job? I have sinking feelings that maybe a little more doing what is on the to do list and a little less designing great new things is in order. That bothers me. And what bothers me underneath that initial bothered-ness feeling, is the idea that if I can't find a way to do what I do well here, in this job - where will I?

And as for does it make me happy? Well.... the place and people are nice and I like the values that drive what we do. I like working with people who I have some shared views with, and knowing that, on the face of it, my work is useful (see above) and that everyone I work with is there primarily because of a shared belief in the work we do, and not because of pay or convenience, habit or status. But happpy, well that's still not clear. I feel happpiest at work when I am lost in the moment talking about ideas with other people who like to talk about ideas and don't think you are strange for wanting to draw a diagram to explain a concept or to goggle words or characters from history mid-conversation, or for wanting to talk about ideas in the first place. I enjoy those moments of human connection that are based just on shared warmth - of enjoying each others' company, of nice gestures, of a group laughing together or people making pots of tea to share (I was serious about the tea making). In terms of actual work related tasks, I feel happiest, in a way, when I don't feel anything except absorption. Those moments when I am lost in the task, so lost that there is no me left to be aware of being lost. At work this is mostly when I am doing something self-directed and creative - channeling some idea, chasing some link or fleshing out a concept for the first time. But these are glimmers, and the to do list still waits, those little churning chores still need doing, and mostly they are the chaff of my day. So, in a way, my workplace makes me happy theoretically, but the work itsef doesn't ring my bells.

But is dealing with this a good oppportunity to become a better person - work as my daily practice? That opportunity to observe my practices, breath and relax into it, try to stop patterns of negative self talk, develop patience and compassion and go deeper where I can. Or, am I being blinded by nice pot plants, good beverages and lovely people into accepting a 9-5 which doesn't rock my world? Am I still settling in and finding my niche? Am I being ridiculous to think that one should look for the overlapping circles?