Tonight I went to a wedding of complete strangers. That is to say, they weren't strangers, they knew each other, but I'd never met them. So I go, frocked up, with the people I did know and it is a big affair, with glitz and glamour, in a big hotel. Table after table, like the biggest conference dinner you've never been to. And icy, ice-creamy, with sashes of white and mint green fabric draped from the room-sized chandelier and wedding party in ice ice green and sugar pink. This was a big affair, the current deputy prime minister was there, the former chief of police was there, the supplier of chickens for all of Malaysia's (fried chicken chain) stores was there...

Bride and groom were fanned by their attendants and select people came up to put chopped pandan leaves, rose petals and rose water in their palms, kiss their hands etc. When they walked in they were preceded by gold and silver tinsel palm trees held high by people in traditional warrior outfits. It was regal and formal and grand and tacky.

The whole deal was completely without alcohol. Completely. We had water at the tables in wine glasses and a glass of slightly toothpaste flavoured water that exactly matched the pale green chair bows. No wonder the whole night was so orderly and over so quick. No dancing, no drunk old uncles, no speeches from the couple.