The big questions

I'm about to head off to Newcastle, for a few days, well, the better part of a week. Going for a symposium on art and health (ever so exciting! going in own time as not entirely core to current work, though very related, but didn't want to make a case for it so figured easier to go on flex day). Guy at work lives there but he and his family are on holidays this coming week so he said I could use his place. Exciting! Is now a little holiday (2 days), work (1 day) and symposium learningathon (2 days). Also there is the 'This is Not Art' Festival in Newcastle (also known as TINA), which ends tomorrow, so if I get my skates on super fast I'll be able to go see interesting performances and speakers etc. Ooohhh, coffee in a new town. Oooooh the beach within walking distance. Oooooh learning new things about something I'm interested in. Heaven.

Prior to this weekend, I was still feeling very up and down about work last week. And when I say very up and down, I mean like ocean depths and Mt Everest kind of scale. It ranges across:
- no, I just don't feel like being here anymore, it's time to go, I'll resign on Friday
- I'm in this role as an extension of choices I made way back when about what I 'should' do with my life, but now I'm being more honest with myself and trying to tap into my feelings more I can see that in fact this type of work and working environment just isn't for me
- Shit, maybe I'm just panicking because there is another mini jump in careeryness in front of me (winning quite large(r than I've won before type) projects, managing large projects, potential for promotion possibly) and I don't really identify with the idea of being this responsible, sensible, capable, brainy, office going, ironed outfit wearing grown up woman (who is she?? surely not me??)
- it's ok, this is just an unsettling period while I deal with admitting to myself that large parts of how we work doesn't suit me, next step is speaking up about what I want, asking for help, asking for some readjustment of tasks - then it will all work out fine, it's a period of change and you'I'm not used to defining boundaries for myself so it will feel uncomfortable but end up ok
- I'm so bored with these projects! I can't believe this is all I'll have to focus on for the next 18 months - argh!
- I'll quit next Friday
- I'll do more of the stuff I do like while I'm there and see if that helps
- I need to be honest to myself about what my passions and talents are and find way to devote time to them, not conforming to what other people consider 'a successful career/life', and that means less mediocre plodding to deadlines and managing budgets and filling out forms, and more thinking and connecting with ideas, more expression, more art, more writing, more community based projects or working with small groups of people on transformation, and more innovative new ways of looking at old things, more working at home with music going and stopping to do the dishes for a break if I feel like it, more integrating life and work rather than splitting them, more being honest about my ideas and less feeling like I have to politely ration them. More feeling, less thinking. More colour, less laminex. More admitting to strengths and weaknesses, failings and potential, less pretending that everyone is always cheery and neat and on an emotionally even keel like some programmed office robot who just loves to work for 8 hours a day, but making room for the fucked up bits and wonderful bits. More intuition, less plodding accretive rationalism.

etc.

So, I am part way through drafting (in my head) both a resignation letter and an application for higher duties (temporary promotion). Funny space to be in.

Meanwhile the inner tantrums have helped I think, in terms of raising a whole bunch of stuff that I've been unhappy about. Tangible things I'd like more support with, or just things I'd hoped to do in my role, but because of time and competing priorities had let slip. So I have been thinking much more about how to get some of that stuff to happen - who to talk to, who to ask for help from, who to run ideas past. Am lining up a few 'coffee chats' with people who I think could be potential mentors, or whose own path I'm interested in, and want to find out more. I think I had kind of let all my own wants slip to the bottom as I grappled with never ending deadlines, but now am shining a bit more light on the things I actually want. Haven't ever really met with people to talk about ideas for work and study and stuff before, so think this is a good step in terms of supporting myself better.

My housemate, in the midst of work querying herself, went to see a psychic and mid-way through the reading (she used cards), the woman started talking about a close female friend and a lot of frustration. She said there was a lot, oh so much, frustration, and a relationship that will be severed. She said she thought it could be her job, that she needs time to think. My housemate said 'well, she was thinking about taking some leave without pay to think and then maybe going back' and the woman said 'oh, she's not going back!' in this laughing, emphatic kind of way. So.

Oh, and I went and got my tarot cards read by someone else, the week before* and this woman, who was very focused and asked all sorts of incredibly direct questions, and was adamant that the main thing right now for me is relationships. As in intimate type relationships, and challenging the fear I have. She asked why I was so tentative, told me people aren't meant to go through life alone. (This was all very timely, with a possible new relationship on the boil for me at the moment**.) She told me that I was quite a fearful person, and that this was the main thing I needed to be working on right now. This was interesting to me because I think she's right, but I don't think this is something I project on a surface level - my 'mask' is one of coping, being cheerful, and being brave (and in fact forcing myself to do things even if I'm inwardly panicked about them), but my shadow is very much unprocessed terror, something I'm only very recently beginning to realise.

She asked was there anything else I wanted to talk about, because the reading was coming through as all about the relationship right now. I said that I did want to ask a little bit about work, you know 'what I'm meant to be doing', and she shook her head and said that there wasn't one thing, this one thing that any of us are meant to be doing specifically at the moment, and that this was just a distraction. She asked was there anything in particular I wanted to know about work, one question, and I kind of stammered for a bit and then said something about art/expressive work which has primarily been in the private domain for me and thinking/rational work in the world and for the world, and which one should I be doing. She said that the two are connected and linked like a figure eight, like the infinity symbol, and that when I go to one I take what I have learnt and done in the other sphere to it, that the two inform each other and build on each other, because there is just one of me, and I am all of those things at any given time. Which made a lot of sense to me, and I like very much as an image - the figure eight, moving from one side to the other, both connected, not having to choose. She also said that it was normal to have a period of working only in the private domain, and that the art stuff might make it's way into the world when the time is right, like a birth after the very personal and inward pregnancy. She also said any big changes would be like throwing a spanner in the works, which I didn't need right now because I needed to focus on the relationship. She said it would be great, lots of adventures. She even said 'do you want to know whether you have kids together?' and I said a little bird peep sheepish 'yes'... and so she did a special spread on that. (and the answer? not telling! I have to have some secrets)

So go figure.

* Neither my housemate or I had actually done this before, we were both very excited about getting some help, any help, in figuring out what to do next with work-life stuff
** yes I know, slipped that one in didn't I?? All the usual 'not sure, maybe I'm misreading, who knows where it will go, it's early days, I'm probably making a fool out of myself, not entirely sure what I want' caveats apply.