Ughplugh

Well that went. Yes I gave another talk. This has been the month of talk-giving. And I don’t mean the ‘look here sonny jim we need to have a talk’-talk, I mean the ‘lookee here everyone I have a serious, logical, well-framed set of dot points to deliver to you and I’m not heading out of here until you’ve eaten every last idea on your plate, ok?’-talk.
I had thought this was a good idea – a great way to ‘consolidate some learning’ (seriously, I think in management jargon), recognize my own expertise, promote our organization, inspire me to write some papers – etc. Now, in hindsight, I don’t know that it has been.

Candid appraisal of the last three talks, in random sequence*:
#1 – group of about 20 people, smallish room, I can see their faces, I can walk around a bit, I can sit on table edges and make jokes, ask questions. Delivery went well. I felt pretty happy that I had a handle on the group and their backgrounds, so got to pitch it appropriately. Content was also pretty good I think – if somewhat conceptual, at least I had great handouts and further reading. I think the brief interactive sessions were useful as they had the chance to at least think ‘what might this mean for us at work?’ Finished dead on time. Got a bottle of wine as a present. Felt good afterwards (after the talk, not the wine, though that too!).

#2 – may or may not have got to explore a town away from home as an extra bonus of participating in this one. 70-80 people. Much hyped. Talk preceded by regional radio and (errrgh) television interviews. My first of both of these particular horrors. Not quite so sure how much to make it theory and how much to make it ‘showcase particular project examples’, how much to make it advocacy ‘oooh you should all be doing this, seriously’. Group a nice mix, and a warm feeling, hairy, greenie vibe, people I will likely never see again. Slides way too text laden, too conceptual, too much detail, but my delivery was good. I felt really present, really engaged with the content, happy to ad lib, connected with the audience (er sorry, or is that participants). Felt mildly embarrassed at weightiness of content afterwards, but happy with rapport, and got to chat to lots of nice people at lunch and in the workshop session I co-facilitated, so all in all a good experience.

# 3 – may or may not have been this week. 200 ish people. Many of whom are past colleagues and employers, or current collaborators – but no-one who I’d call a mate. Raised podium. Lights glaring in your face and rest of room made dark in comparison. Nervous. Couldn’t shake nervous feeling, and voice sounded tight through almost all of the talk. Found myself standing with hands clasped behind my back – shocking body language, saying ‘I am not really part of this/ I am going to hold my own hands because I wanna get out of here’. Talk began and I looked at it as if to say ‘you? I have to come up with words to say to you?’. Chose not to use detailed speakers notes, nor to have too many words on the slides. Thought I’d be more creative and try to
a) mostly just speak off pictures or diagrams
b) try a ‘story telling’ approach to paint a general picture of how a particular sector had been doing a particular thing
c) explore some completely unfounded musings
d) develop and explain a new typology of ‘thinking that needs to change to address (issue X)’
e) tell a joke, kind of made up and untested
It was fucking awful. I think in retrospect the content was too theoretical (even more than the other two), and where I tried to summarise trends I ended up just presenting a mish mash of events with no clear story. I felt absolutely no connection with the audience – they were too far away, too many of them, and too blank faced, despite my earnest and protracted (some might say desperate) efforts to make roving and meaningful eye contact. Once I started feeling nervous I was worried they’d think me nervous, and worried that they didn’t know what I was talking about, or thought it was stupid, and then I felt more nervous, and I was worried they’d notice. Also, I started to feel like the whole structure I’d done for the talk was dumb, and I was probably annoying everyone by not just sticking to a case study format. Dang. On the up side the photos were pretty, and I had fun thinking it up. Also my hair was good and nails freshly painted. (You think I’m joking? I’m seriously listing those in my favour – that’s how bad it was). Afterwards I felt mortified. I stayed for morning tea and mingled (thank the Goddess a few people came to talk to me, so I didn’t look like a conference pariah), for the next session and then for lunch, but I really wanted to get out of there, and did so promptly once the plates were cleared and the bell started ringing for the afternoon.

So. Reflections? Point to my story?
Just that ‘giving talks’ is a funny label that we give to a huge variety of situations that can feel very different. That some crazy mix of who will be there, how confident you are that you have something new or interesting to share with them, how confident you are that you know more about a topic and are seen as credible, whether you can interact with the people, whether they are warm and engaged looking or cold and distant, whether you get feedback that you’re talking about something they want to know more about, whether it’s material you’ve spoken about before, whether you have some empirical foundation that you feel you can draw authority from, whether you have a qualification that gives you confidence and theoretical context for a topic, whether you are feeling good about your work generally – etc – that all of things mix around and get baked in the oven to make this thing of ‘giving a talk’. Needless to say, today’s cake flopped, and was probably burnt on the edges to boot. Ho hum. Shame it had to be the biggest cake I was baking, and one I was serving to all the head chefs of the best renowned restaurants (this is a metaphor, it was not a catering conference). Makes me wonder whether I want to be a pastry chef at all, whether working in kitchens in general is my thing (to take that little metaphor and squeeze it dry).

Actually I wonder whether it’s the case that I can bake quite nice little sultana cakes, but I think that there are enough sultana cakes already in the world and want to bake something more exciting, just to see if it will work, just to show everyone that cakes can be different, and then my emu egg and pineapple sky scraper flan flops and I feel sad and wish I’d gone for sultana cake.

Seriously thinking about quitting my job because it feels like the most horrible combination of stressful and boring. Feeling like I want something more immediate, meaningful, human scale, consolidated, warm, supported, and at the same time more strategic, abstract, ideas based which I can feel more confident doing. Today feels like a sign that I am well and truly in the wrong spot.

My housemates and I have been swapping self-help/psychobabbly schtick, this week's fave is some guy off Oprah, who espouses working to your strengths. ie finding what your strengths are and following them passionately - where strengths are not just the things that the world says you do a good job at, but the things that you do that inspire you, make you feel energised rather than depleted, that come easily - rather than focusing on the weaknesses and building a career around the things you're bad at and trying to overcome. I feel like I have built my whole career around my weaker areas, and constantly battle with forcing myself to do tasks that I don't like. Literally all the subjects at school that I liked least I went and made a career around. The technocratic, project management, detail focused, client managing stuff from work that I like least - yep that now feels like my whole job. In a field I feel passionately committed to, sure, and in a nice workplace, surrounded by good people, absolutely, but in a work environment that doesn't suit me, and doing a mix of tasks that stress me out (in their combination) and make me feel constantly self doubting and bored out of my brain. Stultified. Meanwhile the things that come easily and are fun I discount as not being worthwhile or clever enough or serious enough endeavors. Like some of the marketing stuff, big picture ideas stuff, strategic planning, business development, communications stuff. So, pass me a birch branch please, I don't think I'm quite self-flagellating enough...

* yes – blogs, a great place to dump what used to be private reflective thoughts, in a public forum. Hoorah.

Thanks folk
Aw thanks guys for playing along in the comments box :) I realise that call out was the virtual world version of one of those relationship whines 'I just don't think we talk anymore'. Thanks for the book suggestion Georgie, I'll have a look at that one. Love the parallels there with hostage situations B, funny.