And work?

There's heaps of the work story I haven't written about yet, maybe because it's been talked out of me, in various forums and because, maybe like (I can only imagine it is like when) having a baby, when you suddenly find all your most intimate bodily processes become something for dinnertime conversations with almost strangers, and your private parts become public parts, and bits of yourself you previously wouldn't show anyone unless they'd bought you dinner and whispered sweet nothings you find yourself whipping out to any new medico who joins the team and expresses professional interest - when you have a bit of a meltdown at work, suddenly all your private experiences of work and your feelings of stress and your inner thoughts about situations come right out in the open and get talked about, and poked at and spread wide open at meetings. After a while you (although very much appreciating the help and support of people around you and the need for experts to help steer you through it) long to have conversations where you talk about something else, and where your private bits can stay private, and where you can, just for a bit, put it all to one side and enjoy the other aspects of who you are. Only the metaphor is obviously crap because I didn't birth a child, just my own squawking self demanding to be heard and cared for. Which is something.

So a brief, abridged and moderately exposed but underwear still on version goes like this:

So, yes, work. Going back was hard. My desk pot plants had died because no-one had watered them; I almost turned around and left without unpacking my bag when I saw that. My first day was awful - awkward and shit. I couldn't wait to get out of there. Cried a bit that week. Good thing was seeing a vocational psychologist for the first time (who knew they existed? Wish I had, about 8 months ago...)

The second week was better. But still a bit awkward. Needed lots of time to myself. Found having social plans as well as work very stressful. Too much in the way of logistics, too many variables, too exhausting.

The third week (last) was actually good. I felt in good spirits. I felt less awkward being in the office, I actually did some project work, I saw friends. Not only did I have quite a bit of social stuff on (including people coming over for dinner to our pace a few nights in a row) but I enjoyed it.

There's still quite a bit of stuff to work out, and in a few weeks when the work ramps up (lots of projects go quiet this time of year) I wonder how I'll choose what I'll work on (juggling breadth and depth; diversity vs specialision has been an issue in the past), but at least heaps of issues are out on the (grey laminex) table, and I feel supported to work them out. Am also a bit wary still of my own health and state of mind, I guess like recovering from anything (think strained back or something) there is that tension between beginning to feel better and thinking 'phhht - that was then, this is now, I am fine, never felt better I can do everything just fine' and thinking ' I am still in the process of getting through something, I have reduced capacity, I am taking it easy, I have to be careful and look for the warning signs'. I am trying to be realistic and careful but open to being wowed by speedy return to full capacity. Wanting to be 'back to normal' and be treated like being 'back to normal' but also knowing that I need to be patient with myself and deal with the fact that I might not yet be, and rushing things might be counterproductive. Tricky balance.

I do know that I really do not want to back in the space I was in last year, where I was extremely stressed and anxious about work (my workload, my ability to deliver, the quality of the work) and at the same time so exhausted and burnt out from the past few years that I lost perspective about its place in my life had no boundaries in place about what was a reasonable amount of work, or a reasonable incursion into my non-work life, or a reasonable amount of stress to feel and sustain. All of that, I don't want again. So if that means I have to go slow with training wheels and feel like a bit of a dork for a while, c'est le vie. And if it means ongoing work on the structural / institutional arrangements for me at work (workload, diversity of projects, support) and at the same time the inner workings stuff (boundaries, assertiveness, perfectionism, self esteem) then so be it. Better to learn this later in life than not at all, huh? Goddess knows I'm trying!