Moon doggy howling

Stayed at work way too late last night finishing something that was due today and got all cranky and then sad. I felt realy tired from cranking through to this deadline and also felt tired from not being at home sorting out my life - Christmas plans, life plans, whatever. So found myself having a tear at the desk (nice look, really), and deciding all impromptu to have today off. Which I have done. Figured I've banked heaps of flex time with recent weeks of working and must still be in sleep deficient from the past few weeks. Think also the festive season has reminded me of just how solo this leg of my voyage is feeling of late, ie. just me to consult on christmas plans, just me to plan lazy days of holidays with, just me to give a shit about whether I'm happy or not. Not that I don't feel loved and cared for by friends and family, not that I don't love and care for others, I've just very recently and spectacularly felt lonely. Maybe living with a couple who are a bit more private and less familial than my mountains mates last year has thrown this into sharp relief? Maybe the recent rush of births and conceptions (despite feeling nothing but happy for each one on its announcement and being delighted at all the funny faced new little humans making their way into the world) has made me feel spectacularly single.

Walked home through the city dark still feeling melancholy and like it would be good to have a good loud weep. Which I didn't. Felt a bit like if I was a dog I would be howling moonwards. Had a bath and read Fritjof Capera and consoled myself with tales of quantum phsyics, searching and personal bravery.