Well

Well I did something big today. I emailed a magazine* with some jpgs of illustrations I'd done, along with an 'artists' statement' and asked them to take them to the next design team meeting. By way of back story, I first emailed then A YEAR AGO, and the guy said 'yeah sure send something through we love hearing from new illustrators', so what did I do? promptly filed the email and chickened out and pretended I'd never asked. Naturally. Anyway, I got the bottle up and decided, fuck it, to send them something.
It felt really good actually, like I was being brave and also really honest. the artists statement came out quickly and painlessly and was a coherent story that mentioned my day job and linked it to the work. A friend who works in the arts edited it for me, and helped with some rearranging, but essentially we kept the words I'd used. It felt quite spontaneous, easy and 'right'.
I feel like whether they respond or not, give feedback or not, want to include something I've done or not kind of doesn't matter - I mean I'd like them to say 'woo hoo you rock, send us more, here's a truckload of cash', obviously - but compared to the experience of feeling confident enough to throw my hat in the ring, and not cringe, not be apologetic, to feel happy with some pieces and like I authentically represented myself, it doesn't matter a jot. Just to refer to my work and not mentally put inverted comas around the word. Just to have done it and not feel like a kid running up to someone's buzzer on a practical joke and running away again fast. To feel like it is possible, fine, normal, do-able - that is the prize.
It's funny this thing of self image and what invisible boundaries it imposes on what you do - as it extends, what you feel you can do, and what you actually do extends, like a breath out, like an expansion. Colonizing new territory. claiming new parts of yourself.

*Totally earthy quite deep green magazine that has quite a few illustrations and photos through it