resume normal programing

Ok ok so I obviously needed to have a giant vent on Friday. Sorry for tortured memoir infused woe-dump. If it's any consolation it made me feel heaps better, and freed up my brain to have a gentle wander around the library, rest day with less feeling stuck.

I think I feel better now after having had a few days to get used to the moving out / replacing housemates options, and actually looking to see what is out there in or close to what I'm willing to pay for rent. I think also a few more conversations with my mum makes me think she's at least thinking through the gritty details of what a change in her living arrangements would entail, and she's catching up with old friends who would be a support network if she went through a big move. Work I haven't been back to yet, but will tomorrow. My churning stomach has abated and I sometimes think just engaging with the 'I could actually leave this if I wanted to' idea is a powerful antidote to the strong feelings of 'but I'm needed there, I couldn't possibly leave'.

I think being further away from my family does help me find space to operate on a more even keel / more supported and positive emotional space. I'd love to be able to be around them and not as affected, and maybe that is happening incrementally, but for now it is much easier from a distance. (Interesting that the family therapy texts differ so markedly in their advice on this - some talk about the danger of 'returning to the poisoned well' - seriously dramatic, eh - others talk about the importance of going back and doing old things in a new way).

And although my lingering protestant work ethic and general desire to be a professional person who does what they say they'll do is strong, I think it's probably a good sign that my little stress heap triggers much earlier action than it once did. ie probably healthier in the long run to have a wig out, feel sick and not go in for a few days, and give space to sort through things and reenter calm and emotionally more resilient, than to battle on for weeks or months with repressed emotional stuff unresolved in the background, until the pile is huge and topples over leaving me stuck with legs poking out the bottom, and takes weeks to get out from. In a less long winded way - probably good that I am noticing my feelings and acting on them sooner rather than later like I have in the past with work-life stress stuff.

And having people to talk to helps so much don't you think? In blogosphere and in real life, to voice things takes some of their power out, and diffuses the voice inside that says 'you can't possibly be thinking that, that's lame/awful/whatev just get on with it.' You voice it and the sky doesn't fall in. You voice it and just feel like a goose, but not a terrible person.

Onwards and upwards eh groovers?