A long windy meandering river of a post in the middle of drought

I haven’t posted for a while, sorry, went all internal there for a while. I arrived back from Vietnam 2 weeks ago today. I had the first day off, tried to get back into local time, tried not to sleep – didn’t count on the scant couple of hours sleep I’d had on the plane overnight and found myself battling zombie-like sleep deprivation at the end of the first day I got back – thought I should stay awake and not nap because I had a teleconference in the early evening for work, which I had optimistically thought would be fine to do the day I got back because ‘I can do it from home in my pjs! I can go to bed straight afterwards! I’ll have all day to prepare!’. Was a silly plan really as I completely failed to recognize that I might not actually feel like it. Do you ever do that? Forget you are a living breathing organism and will not always be feeling like doing things, even if you think they might theoretically be possible? Anyway, that was a great sleep when I finally had it. The next night too. Going back to work was ok because I’d stayed up with things via email while away so I didn’t feel overwhelmed with new info, and I kind of knew where projects were up to. Probably speaks of bad work life balance, but I made the decision to read and respond to the more urgent work emails even on my holiday week, because I thought it would just make life easier when I got back, and realistically I don’t disengage from work on a week of holiday – I just forget for bouts and then think about it at certain times anyway.
I was actually really excited coming home. That day I was beaming as I walked down my local main street to get some cat food and a coffee (Sydney coffee! The milky kind, with carefully drawn patterns on top, oh I’d missed you). I felt quite blissful as I went about my business. I went into a butcher to get some chopped meat for Cassie Cat, and beamed at the butcher and mixed up all the meat names and apologized for making him mince some tiny chunk of chicken and fell a little bit in love with him in that special way that you do when you have more than usual endorphins (internal monologue going something along the lines of ‘oh, a shaven headed Asian butcher, he looks very Zen, so peaceful.. oh he’s very kind, aren’t people wonderful’). I imagined that maybe he was a Buddhist because he told me that he only eats meat once a month (‘oh, an actual practicing Buddhist – a semi vegetarian butcher! Hark the delightful embracing of paradox!). I stopped being a little bit in love with the butcher 5 minutes later when I fell a little bit in love with everyone in the café, just because they were there sharing the moment. It’s nice when sleep deprivation and excitement combine to feel like deep joy, or your favourite drug, but maybe not so fun later when you find yourself in ‘time has slowed down and so have I and I don’t even know what I’m doing sitting here, wasn’t I meant to be doing something what’s the time anyway, can I go to bed yet, can you die from tiredness, maybe I will?’ mode.
Coming back from a trip away is also like the music stopping in musical chairs, or pens down at the end of exams. It’s like you suddenly have to take stock of what you did and didn’t get done while away and the postcards unwritten or written but not addressed, or the personal emails unopened or read and appreciated but accidentally not responded to because you ran out of internet access or got distracted or felt to pooped to write something in actual words that make sense, so you didn’t. You have post holiday follow up tasks too – I spend literally hours rearranging souvenirs on a couch in our loungeroom, trying to make colours match and make sure I hadn’t forgotten people. I love hand made things, and I love colours and I love the way that pretty things look together. And I really get a lot of pleasure from giving people things. (But I also worry about wanting to make everyone feel loved and remembered and wanting to share what I’ve enjoyed. Maybe too much. Maybe this is the last time I get presents OS because I have trouble drawing a line around a tight inner circle of friends and family, my inner circle floats around and includes whoever is there right now, everyone, and I feel too guilty when I have to rationalize and leave people out. And then I have to tell myself firmly that it absolutely doesn’t matter, that in the big scheme of things no one cares, but it feels at that point like it does and they do. This comes up in a really big way for me about my extended family and birthdays and Christmas – last count my family Christmas list was in the high twenties, and traditionally I send birthday pressies and cards to all manner of extended family. Which becomes stressful to me as I loose track of dates, and feel guilty about forgetting. Then I feel guilty about contributing to mass overconsumption of ‘stuff’ which often just ends up in landfill – so I get stuck between wanting to and not wanting to. My lovely housemate A workshopped this with me just a few days ago and encouraged me to enter a new streamlined phase and I’m inclined to agree with her. I’m thinking a collective annual gift of a goat or two to Oxfam or similar might do the trick). Anyway, so souvenirs seemed very important at that moment, and now, 2 weeks later, less important as the ‘being away’ razzle dazzle feel fades and souvenirs wait patiently in a bag in my bedroom. Photos are the same, although digital cameras make the process quicker and less painful (at least I don’t worry about finding and buying the perfect photo album system and somehow deciding on the perfect way to categorise and sequence my photos. Digital is a good medium for the indecisive and playful – you can rearrange pics in different albums, different sequences to fit the purpose. So note, holiday snap slideshow available on request. Mr T, the lovely snapdragon’s hubby, said they were like ‘album covers’, so hey, the slide show comes highly commended! (And I feel a bit tickled because I like the idea of myself as a naturally brilliant photographer unimpaired by my complete ignorance of the technology and theory, and complete disinterest in learning, but I suspect in fact that the images owe more to the ‘picturesque’ nature of Ha Noi and the megapixle and zoom features of my lovely new seemingly fool proof camera than any special skills on my part. Sadly.)
Being back at work was great, I really like the people I work with and the projects are mostly interesting*. Most importantly, I feel comfortable there, and ‘safe’ – which might seem like a strange choice of words, but it hints at this kind of hard to capture feeling I have about the place these days that includes liking the physical space of the office, having people who welcome you with smiles and interested questions, who offer to make you coffee, who seem interesting in being actual real life human beings and friends and not just polite and professional co-automatons in a corporate organism, and who have a sense of who you are – all the good and bad bits – and seem ok with that. It feels like a safe space to be myself, which it didn’t when I first started. I guess in retrospect I realise that last year was pretty hard for me, and I felt on edge and pulled fairly thinly for a lot of it. I was petrified of the new job, and felt really uneasy there for months and months. Felt like I had to present a competent and functioning persona when in fact I felt a lot of self doubt, a lot of exhaustion (I was commuting 5 hours a day – does anyone remember that?? I surprised myself the other day by remembering that, I thought – shot was that really my life?? Golly). I felt uneasy at not knowing the nuances of the job, the detail, the big picture. I don’t learn well by getting random snippets of information, I like to flesh out a whole landscape, a whole functioning ecosystem of a new environment, and am not satisfied with disconnected lists or srange half-described processes. I should know that about myself by now, but I generally forget and have to relearn it – so when I started I didn’t think ‘oh, I will probably feel uncomfortable until I get a picture mapped out of how everything fits together, but that’s ok, because it will happen eventually.’ I also learn new things quickly and am adaptable across different topic areas and types of work, which this workplace at least recognizes and has utilized, but to start with I wasn’t very good at protecting myself from extra work. I tended to just say ‘oh, ok, I’ll give it a go’. And then panic, and immerse myself and eventually create a good product, and learn a bundle, but in the mean time feel very self-doubtful about doing something that seemed quite high level in a whole new field. I felt this underlying scream of ‘holy shit!!! Can I really do this!! Fuck!!’**. That has kind of subsided, and now just emerges every now and then in my internal dialogue as a lazy question, asked with an appraising face pull, and quizzical eyebrow, rather than terror and hand waving. So that’s good.
[Hang on – was this what I meant to be writing? I thought I was telling you about my last 2 weeks, but I guess this thinking has been part of it. Meandering – I did warn you].
Yeah so work feels ok. And being home has been really nice. My housemates and I are settling into a much more familiar and cosy house relationship, 5 months in to living together. It’s a bit like a blind date moving in with new people, even if, as in this case, you’ve lived with some of them before. Each new household is a new experience, it has a particular physical space, a particular mix of personalities and the dynamics and roles that go with them, and a particular set of life characteristics and themes that you are each exploring in that time and space. It takes time to settle in and get to know each other, time to build trust, time to get beneath the surface. Which is a lovely process as it happens. Its not without its challenges, especially after living by yourself, I think I’m much less in that space of discussing issues and negotiating than they are because the process of starting a new relationship requires so much of that discourse, and living by yourself and not being in a relationship means you don’t have to scrutinize or compromise on your preferences or practices much. I’m sure living with people is ‘good for me’ in that sense, as of course I realise that those are good skills to have. Anyway, there’s been a few things lately that have just made me smile and think ‘these are good people and I’m lucky to be living with them’. Most recently when I got home late Monday night, ready to do some more work, pack and leave early next morning for Brisbane (more on that soon), and the two of them wandered out in their pj’s and sat on the couch and said ‘we were already in bed but thought we’d say hello and good luck for tomorrow’ and spent a few minutes chatting about the trip I had planned and then sleepily wandered back to bed.
It’s also been lovely catching up with friends, like after work dumplings with Aunty B (even though I still find it strange when I bump into her in the hallway at work – she is doing some contract work for us), the best brunch to linner spectrum ever with snapdragon and Mr T now that they have moved into town and just around the corner (yah!), and a beautifully synchronistic lunch with merririsa, C-chan and E-chan (synchronistic in that wonderful non-planned food coordination that works perfcctly anyway way).
It has also been an emotional couple of weeks, with big things happening to people I care about. Sparkle Cowboy’s mother passed away and I felt that awful feeling of pain once removed, when someone you love has lost someone they love, and are far away. You get that ‘oh god, what do we do in the face of death?’ stuff surfacing, and that vague floundering as you try to connect without imposing, try to extend some understanding without pretending that you can possibly share that intense feeling that they are experiencing. You feel concern and a kind of wandering homeless sadness, that makes you want to scoop people up and comfort them, but you know you can’t, and that grief just needs to run it’s mysterious course, and you remind yourself that death and dying and loss play a role in the complex and rich experience of life, and are important too even if we can’t comprehend it at the time.
My mum has been going through a rollercoaster of life stuff, after her partner’s contract was not renewed and he has yet to get a new one, so is at home struggling with feeling displaced and identity in the family, with a few financial concerns thrown in to boot. Now, just this week, it looks like they’ll have to move house in the next 2 months because the owner wants to sell. It looks like it will be ok – he has an interview tomorrow for a great role, and they are looking on the bright side re moving, but it still takes a lot of energy, especially when you are working part time and at home with a 3 year old.
Meririsa won a great job, that seems to satisfy all the criteria for fitting into her family life and also keeping up skills, job satisfaction etc. Aunty B has some exciting news and it looks like she and significant other will be having a big change in the next few months, and I hear rumoured that a certain funky inner city couple have found a place to buy in the inner west (but wont out their news till I hear it from them!).
And last but definitely not least, Mermaidgrrl and Little Mister had their first child yesterday, a healthy baby boy. I am in their kitchen right now, keeping the pets company and drinking chardonnay while they enjoy their first evening together alone as a family after what sounds like a very busy afternoon of visitors. It has been a real treat to be here and be part of it. MMG is doing remarkably well post-op; she looks great, is in high spirits, very pragmatic and optimistic about motherhood, blood pressure and blood sugars and all the medical stuff fine now, and taking to it all like a fish to water. Baby Seth is a cutie, and seems both very peaceful and a good sleeper – so far so good! LM is also looking like she’s always been a mum, bathing, holding and changing bub with finesse as well as being a supportive and doting partner. It’s very exciting time punctuated with many teary joyful moments, and being celebrated by a wide circle of friends, neighbours and relatives. (More on the hilarious night time descent of excited neighbours in dressing gowns and sporting bags of beers later).
And on that note, I bid you adieu, off to get rest so I feel spritely and in fine form tomorrow for hospital visits, sitting down and nutting out a piece of work I have to hand in tomorrow that should be straightforward and satisfying once I get started but haven’t quite yet tackled, and just maybe cooking a casserole or two for the freezer if that works out ok with whatever else that is planned for tomorrow. Which should all be lovely. And yah to my work place which so far has not sacked me or even chastised me for dashing off at a minutes notice without even asking for permission with any kind of grace or real professionalism (just stating that I would be gone and then kind of giggling nervously and grimacing in a fait accomplit kind of way).
Later, now I’m back on the blog horse (neigh! Brrwwwh!), I have an interesting book to tell you about, soccer tales to beguile you with (ahuh! I bet you thought I’d quit – not so! Indoor soccer is fun and I like even though I lack all requisite skills apart from enthusiasm and the ability to run in short bursts). I have my complete absence of a love life to update you on (oh ho! I bet you can’t wait for that one), and the general waves of existential angst and fleeting joys to share.
Till the river meets the sea.
*Well the projects are interesting on paper at least and ‘useful’ (which makes up a big part of my internal mantra about what I want to do, so useful seems to be important to me).
** My mum once said that my competence far exceeds my confidence, and I think she was right when it comes to my day job stuff. But aherm, I think maybe she is not so different.