Mission One Report

Did you know that people here on 'assignment' for donor agencies refer to their trips, with no apparent irony, as 'missions'? I find that really wierd and always want to snort with supressed contempt, but generally remember not to. And at the end of said missions, people write mission reports. I want to snort in contempt becuase while it is appparent that most peopled come as evangelical representatives of the religion of Industrialist Capitalism, I figure they could at least pretend to have less missionary zeal. Plus it somehow always makes me think of missionary position sex (yes, I realise this is probably a damning indictment of my state of mind rather than a logical progression, but whatev...).

In any case. Here is my the start of my Mission Report presented in absurdist random prose that befits the kind of week I've had. Make a cup of tea, take a deep breath, it's one of those posts.

1. Food & nutrition
1.1 Pho for breakfast the other day! met a colleague at 8 in the morning to have traditional Vietnamese soup for breakfast. imagine a hole in beth wall style shop, with low tables and even lower little plastic chairs or benhches. Imagine soup and only soup on offer. Watch me throw values to the wind as I order chicken soup and all notions of vegetarianism vaguely wander off. imagine the subtle taste of clear broth with star anise and corrinader echoes, well cooked noodle, shallots, thin slices of white flesh. imagine the slurping, us being the only foreigners, my knees almost at chin height. Imagine how the second woman came up and barked our order at us because she didn't beleive that the first woman had got it right. Imagine me feeling happy and brave.
1.2 Snacks consumed at the worst Australian pub on the 4th floor of a very swanky hotel. imagine suited Aussie expats watching large screen sport tv. Imagine eyes tracking me because I am one of only 2 women in the bar and am wearing brazen red. Imagine being curt to the first person who I've ever met from the (insert name of big bad donor agency - hint, calls itself a bank, but is a fund, sits next to an organisation that calls itself a fund but in essence operates as a Bank). Snacks were bruschetta, quite tasty, if somewhat oily. Cost the same as 2 curries at the thai place down the road from my hotel.
1.3 Room service pasta. Mmmmm the goodness of no company whatsoever, the oily garlicky goodness of it all, the sheer delighted decadence at the white linen table cloth and strange pale carnation in a bud vase - also with no apparent sense of irony.

2. Technology
2.1 Fucking internet. Yes that refers to the very ridiculously overpriced wifi cards I have to buty from this otherwise supposedly high tech hotel we're staying at. Seriously, you'd think for a gadzillion US dollars a night they could throw in internet access. I know this sounds quite spoilt-bratty, but I buy these cards and type like crazy to get my one hours worth (can't log on and off). Or.. I go to a cafe with laptop in tow and suffer very slow and erratic access and then run late and have to rush back to hotel for some engagement or other.
2.2 The powerpoint arrangement in my room means I can either have the kettle / tv / fridge plugged in OR have the laptop plugged in. I am getting quick at the deft plug converter transfer hand motion as I stick my head elegantly under the desk, and my bum out into space behind me.

3. Clothes & shelter
3.1 A friend helped me sew buttons onto my suit jacket the night before I flew out. She also gave me the kind of 'tough love' fashion feedback that Trinny and Suzanna try for, but without sharing their unnatural love of the bootleg and 3/4 pant. Thanks to her advice and the miraculous 'roll everything and then pack them into 'cells' in your suitcase' technique, I somehow seem to have enough to wear, even though i only took a tiny case.
3.2 Am actually for the very first time doing that shit you read about in those crappy magazines: 'transform your outfit from office whiteboard lovein to dancing on tables at cocktail party to camping trip to outer mongolia!'. Yes with a casual Chanel suit jacket, a pair of retro eighties earrings and a scuba mask you can too! Well. Not quite. But I have found myself dashing upstairs to my room to change accessories between day time and evening meetings, or to 'take me from day to night'. Too lazy for complete outfit change you see.
3.3 I would really like to go buy colourful silk scarves, but I am so far both resisting the consumption urge and trying for the right moment to sneak away from my sensible male colleagues to do so.

4. Health and wellbeing
4.1 Went to the gym in the hotel and rode a fake bike for half an hour. Had wrestling on the tv right in my face and very short and stumpy Gym staff member man doing odd excersises which looked like solo land-based synchronised swimming on a mat behind me. Very distracting. Then remarkably buff American (looking) man hoppped on machine directly next to me and went for a fake run. Imagine very shapely muscular thighs thumping in some kind of rythmic motion.
4.2 Rediscovering the joy of loungeroom dancing reconfigured as hotel dancing. I little boogie to Leftfield or Gorillaz seems just the thing to perk me up when all seems a bit washed out and fake in hotel land.

5. Livelihood
5.1 Yesterday was a slight breakthrough for me and my perception of my own usefulness here on this project. Today even more so. Sure it was also an incredible test of perserverence as I worked all day with the 'griller' mentioned earlier, but I think we made good headway, and somehow the relationship has grown into something more collaborative and less hostile. My colleague seemed very grateful and impressed at how far I got, so that helped make me feel more useful.
5.2 Had odd moment of walking through the offices of (one of the more PC European Country's Development Agency) offering to make coffee for other folk from around the world feeling a little like I'd fallen into some Barbie life that doesn't quite belong to me. I mean I didn't even have buttons on my suit jacket, and I don't blow dry - so how am I here?

6. Potential future husbands
6.1 I suppose it's tacky to just hang out in front of the UNDP offices across the road and hope for the best?
6.2 Staying in random soulless hotels and having work experiences which are a little like 'walking through treacle' in terms of negotiation style and progress with project partners makes any kind of heart beating excitement, including the idea of random meaningless sex with strangers, appeal a lot more than normal. I am appraising people in lifts far more than I normally would. Just FYI. Instead... tomorrow I will be going to see the water puppets and maybe the temple of literature. In fact forget I said the other.

[to be continued - see email point above]