can't think of a song title so you'll just have to imagine your own
Went out on the town with a couple of the inner west ladeez last night, which was really lovely. You know you are with good friends when a) you burst into tears as you arrive because you've had such a shitty day and are given a hug and a glass of wine and then made to laugh by silly stories b) your biological clock gets a little loud over dinner and you say despairingly at the pub 'I'm scared I will be 80 years old and just have millions of cats and be painting!' and they say 'great, that sounds like fun, I'll come visit' and you realise that maybe the cats and paintings are really not such a bad prospect. It's just that right now I feel a bit passed over, and feel like maybe everyone else in the whole world is in a relationship except me, and that maybe it's a sign of my un-eligibility. That I am un-eligible because I am messy and immature and wracked with self-doubt and dissillusioned with the notion of romantic love, but at the same time susceptible to ridiculous ill-founded unrequited crushes, and have a big bottom, and am crap with finances, and secretly think that I'm going to do something else amazing other than my day job but just haven't figured out what yet, and wonder all the time about how to be a good person and live a useful life, and don't really like most of the things you're meant to be interested in apparently, to be part of this time and place, and don't drive, and am a crap swimmer, and didn't write to 2 of my 3 grandmothers at Christmas time, and my half way through postgrad uni course has kind of drifted of my agends and is lost somewhere in paperwork floating in yet unpacked boxes from my house move 2 months ago, and I like to check out my reflections in shop windows, and really don't like the admin woman at work because she is so rude to me sometimes so have recently stopped even trying to chat to her and sometimes relish in thinking what a bitch she is, and get stroppy and impatient in meetings when people are slow and talking about stuff I think is trivial, and am self obsessed, and, and. Whatever. Of course I can't imagine why someone wouldn't want to hook up and hear me list my flaws on a saturday arvo.
Which is lame. And not 'the right attitude'. It reminds me of a Cat and Girl cartoon, where Girl says 'there are two types of people in the world - those who play a miniature violin, and those whop say 'boo hoo' in a sarcastic voice'. Feel free to be either.
8 Comments:
I think just about anything by Morrisey would have been an appropriate title ;-)
Can I visit your cats? I can't even keep my cats alive, so fuck knows how I'm going to look after a baby. Every situation comes with it's own pile of scary shit! And I'm a crap swimmer too!
Keep trying to get you on the phone elusive grrrl.......
Oh she beat me to it. "I am human and I need to be loo-ooved, just like every-body else does".
Sounds like a fairly usual burst of monthly self-doubt, just writ digital - dudette. Come and have a swim, its that inner west - its too crowded for so much thinking, the thoughts just ricochet around off the alley walls and bounce back in.
J said "maybe everyone else in the whole world is in a relationship except me"
I can confirm that this is definitely not the case. And I can't paint! So what the hell am I going to do? Though I could imagine that if I made it to 80 I probably would accumulate a few cats.
How about "(why did you have to be a) Heartbreaker" as your blog title? And what's with the can't swim angst? Since when did you care about that?! By the way, most of the time when I'm spending time with you I'm thinking about how un-accomplished I am, and how I should draw/paint/sew/read/do lots of stuff more. And I forgot my one remaining grandfather's 80th, and found the card I'd bought for him months later. And cat and girl missed the 3rd type of person - the type who shakes your shoulders, slaps your face and says "Snap out of it!" in a Brooklyn accent... I'd like one of those sometimes, but instead have a someone who goes on about "affirmations" and "visualising" and "drawing the energy of what I envision into my life". Do either of those help?And C-chan says you are most eligible if that helps also.
Friday night was fun. And you can hold your drink better than me!
i think you are a big part of many people's lives.
So, in order:
- mermaidgrrrl, yes it was great to finally catch you groover :) I am sending you a leetle parcel this week
- B the swimming and company was great, many thanks. Also some good laughs on pt this morn with your pernickety fella's outraged activist rant performance piece! ;)
- Stu when you're 80 you can make funky electronic music... or you can come over and drink tea with me and swap cat keeping tips
- MeriRisa, I love the Brooklyn shoulder shaker - I think this have to emerge as your dramatic alter-ego. Can she wear a brightly coloured headscarf and chain smoke too?? (And yes pet, you are now officially a 2 pot screamer, but after months of not drinking with baby related body things going on, this is to be expected!)
- You are a dear MiCool, thank you
J xxxxxxx
I think everyone has said everything. But if it is any comfort, I am a crap swimmer too. Worse, my mum is a champion swimmer and I am ashamed to get in the pool if she's there.
Also, I will come round and visit you and your cats when we are 80 if you will come round to mine and have nanna-ish G&Ts.
I'd visit you and your cats at 80 despite my cat allergy! RE my suggested alter-ego - great idea! But I don't think I can face the idea of even my alter-ego being a chain smoker. Perhaps she can holler out the window instead - thinks like: "hey, you wanna come up for a kawfee?"
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