Mmmm. You read? You have a nice smile? You don’t have a ring?

Madam. Please step away from the platform – there is an unattended bag. That is ticking. We have the ballistics and explosives response team on their way, we’re evacuating the area for people’s own safety.

Er, um. That bag. Ahem. That particular bag. Is not actually unattended. This is a little embarrassing. It’s actually mine. You see, it’s not so much unattended as partially attended. It’s my emotional baggage. I stand with it sometimes, but sometimes I sneak off and hope it willl go away. You know, like a basket of kittens left out on the street with ‘free, please take me’. Oh god, not that I would, I mean I like cats, sorry, that’s a bad example. Anyway, yeah it’s actually mine. I’m so sorry. And it’s not a bomb, it’s so not a bomb. I can garauntee that.

(Looks dubious). Well we have it on good authority that the bag is emitting a ticking sound, consistent with an incendiary device, an analogue, Bruce Willis style, red and black wired, big alarm clock faced, jelly stick, jar of liquid, gaffa taped on kind of bomb.

Oh God, this is now really embarrassing. Um you see, that’s actually just, oh I can’t believe this situation this is all so surreal – no you see, that’s actually my biological clock. Yes it is loud isn’t it? Sometimes I can’t hear it at all, and then ‘voomp’ it’s like I have Big Ben in there. Tickety Tock, like the playschool clock, just the loudest noise in the world. You should see what happens when I’m in the movies and it goes off – huh, and you think people get shittty about mobile phones in the cinema, boy oh boy. And last time I was at the dentist, halfway through a procedure, hands deep in my mouth my poor dentist nearly jumped out of her skin. So, you know, I’m really sorry about the disturbance, I didn’t mean to cause any trouble. You must get this kind of thing all the time. Did you go to bomb training school to learn all this stuff? I like those boots, they’re kind of cool aren’t they. And the buzz cut, it’s kind of sleek and monk-like – zen. How