Blue Moon

Big moon tonight, full or very close (darn don't you hate it when you've forgotten to commune with the night sky and don't know whether the moon is coming or going?). I had an eyefull as I walked home from (inner west suburb) to (other inner west suburb) tonight. I really like walking, especially on clear, slightly warm nights, still, clear, stars out, skin not afraid of the air. I like walking as a form of trasnport, I like taking 40 minutes to get from A to B and enjoying all the sights along the way. I like the 20ish minute walk to work as a way to wake up, to get quiet time, to think. I have good ideas while I'm walking. Sometimes it's hard not to get waylaid though (oh bookshop, oh sitting down for a quick coffee, oh that would make a good photos, oh oh).

It all got a bit too much at the end of last week and I had to take some time out of the office. Headache that started in my neck and worked up. Stuffy achey head. Needing to be away from noise and distractions. I did a sick-day / work at home day combo deal, which just meant working when I felt like it, in bursts, when I could, rather than having to be in amongst people and deal with every email and phone call and background noise. I like my job, it's virtually my dream job, I say that often and just about mean it. In terms of content/ subject area, areas of work, smart, nice, fun people, integrity, overall values, coffee machine in the kitchen.. etc it totally is. But in terms of how I feel at the end of some weeks, it totally isn't. To be honest I think I'm just not all that well suited to office work - all the contact with people exhausts me (I do realise, yet again that I sound like a complete not quite of this world misanthropic elfling), and I find moving from surface level, keep the balls in the air, fire quenching focus, to deep thought, original ideas, synthesis and analysis really hard. Being pushed and pulled between the two modes of working I find especially frustrating. In fact, I'm actuallly thinking of writing a paper on nuerodiversity (learning styles, intro-extroversion etc) in the workplace and how to make the working environment more accomodating of various preferred modes of functioning, and in doing so figure out what to do to make it work better for me!

Of course to top it all off I'm still seeing "Bob", the therapist, and whilst I don't think therapy itself makes you feel worse, per say, it highlights lots of things that I have already been thinking and feeling, and does prompt fairly regular bouts of self reflection and examining the past - aka bouts of weeping. This can make putting on a happy face and heading into the world of cheery laminex a challlenge too. I guess it's a bit like having a massage, where you might find yourself experiencing sudden sadness halfway through and the next day you might be a bit sore in the muscles, or headachey ('it's the toxins being released from your system'..?) but the day after that you feel glowing and relaxed. Well, I guess this is a long massage in parts and I'm still in a toxin release phase. I've been going for a few months now on and off, and it's the most commitment I've ever shown to such an endeavour. Sure it all began when I had to take a day off work because I couldn't stop crying because of something that had happened with my immediate family one weekend, and I decided I couldn't deal with it one single day longer. So that was a fairly desperate moment, but I think the time was right for having some support to work through other less dramatic, older, ingrained stuff too.

What I am finding interesting, one step away from it all, is the way I feel about being involved in such a process, and the way I feel about doing it in amongst a community of friends, workmates and people in general. I share this just out of interest, in case you ever wondered what goes through other people's heads on this stuff...
- Firstly I think it's no-one else's business, it's private, and secretish, a bit like going to have a pap smear, or maybe getting cosmetic surgery (should you be into that type of thing), maybe something other people do, you presume other people must be doing it because your practitioner stays in a job, but you don't really want to know who, or when, or what exactly they're doing there, and nor do you want them knowing that you're doing it.
- Response number 2, chosen randomly out of the mix, is that it's healthy and proactive and nothing to be ashamed of, and should be respected as valuable preventative health/ wellness measures, like going to see a massage therapist, or getting a pedicure, or eating raw vegetables. It's virtuous, and not your problem if other people have negative conotations, you should go into bat for it, mention it matter of factly to a chosen few.
- Then there's the 'this is really hard work and I want a note to show the teacher' response - something petulant and lip quivering, where you feel a bit hard done by that you are voluntarily turning up regularly to wade through difficult waters, and coming away worn out, distracted and somewhat sensitive to the touch, and yet no-one knows to treat you gently, or give you the benefit of the doubt if you are not operating at your peak performance in one of your many roles. When I feel like this I kind of want to tell everyone that I'm in therapy and have a few glib and indisputable lines to explain what I'm working through, and have them step back with an efficient little nod and nothing more to say on the matter. I want the social-sign equivilent of a mourning outfit from the 1800's (don't worry, not literally, I am not wanting to waft around in dark crinolines and a gothy brooch made from a dead person's hair). I feel like not mentioning it is dishonest, because if I was seeing a physiotherapist for an old muscle injury I would talk about it. If you are sick with a flu, or have a sore leg you can talk about it. If you are trying to change old belief systems, it seems not ok to talk about it. I feel like telling my supervisor, my boss, random relatives, all my close friends (those few who don't already know). I want sympathy, and understanding and a hall pass that excuses me from class.
- The 'ohmygodeveryonewillthinki'mbonkers' response, which firmly kicks in when ever I think of proferring said note for the teacher. This is interesting, because it relates to my impressions of other people's feelings about 'the healing arts' or 'the talking cures'... I worry that people will think I am all problem/ issue and think of that as the defining feature of my life, that they will label, stereotype, lounge chair diagnose, or think me a drama queen, or nuerotic yuppie with too much money on her hands who is buying into Woodie-Allanesque NY style self absorption ... etc.

It's kind of weird to be dealing with very old family stuff, that spans generations, when you don't have brothers and sisters, or anyone else in the family that you can talk to about it. It feels a little lonely. I guess that's one reason I'm seeing 'a professional' about it, to get some independant perspective, to reality check my responses, and to feel ok going into the details of what still feels very private and in many cases too awful to share. It is comforting to be able to check your perspectives with someone who doesn't have an investment in the situation, and you know is ok with hearing the details. Someone who is not going to overdramatise because they've heard lots worse before, nor discount your feelings, who will remind you of the possible experiences of others, and who will never find themselves trying to make polite conversation with the people involved.

Feeling lucky to have access to this resource, and for supportive friends, and proud of myself for putting in the hard yards (including reading reams of family therapy books - ugh).

Realise this might be making my posts a little dull, sorry about that.