work-life balance a go go

Fast becoming a work-aholic. Finding myself at desk well into the evening, often. (How often do we think that it's reasonable to do that? How many late nights or extra hours is healthy - how many a bad habit?) Partly because I can, there's no one waiting at home for me (except my cat and he sleeps till I get home), no cooked dinner going cold. Partly because I find it interesting and there's a very fine line between work and fun for me when the work is interesting (in fact I often have to make myself not listen to music while I'm there late or I might actually forget to stop and go home.. you know, hypothetically). Partly because I have heaps on and I'm bad at saying no. Partly because I like it when it's quiet and there's no-one else around to get in the way of thinking and writing - kind of balances the chat and coffee breaks in the day. And yes, probably partly as an excuse to not be in a romantic relationship (when would I have time? with what spare energy?) or to be in contact with my family more often (don't have time, sorry, analysing data). The problem is I don't mind it, for a few days (or if it's when I feel like doing it), but when it feels like a 'need to' then after a few nights I get tired and resent being there at all. And daydream about leaving, resigning and going to an island.

That's all a bit tragic and lame isn't it? Oh well, I guess the first step is admitting it.

I get quite defensive and take the high moral ground about the issue when anyone close to me suggests that maybe I should 'just be firmer with yourself' or similar. I often feel like other people don't understand that feeling of enjoying what you do, being driven to do it right - a heady mix of fascination and perfectionism. In fact I don't think it's about strictness, strictly berating myself for working late again wont help the root causes, I don't think. Maybe the root causes are more to do with remembering to be kind to myself (hello, it's dinner time and you're hungry - go home, hello you're tired, go home), working on a sense of entitlement to my own feelings in the face of other people's, and maybe making some structural changes like factoring in some other things to get me out from the office and into the world. Just being more comfortable with saying no would be an excellent start.

But then today I had a flash and thought 'maybe I want to be an academic' - as if that would help. (Tho' I did think it might be more my pace, self-directed research rather than externally directed, more time for publishing, and I quite like teaching...) So had a moment of being convinced I would enrol for my PhD n the next few years. Ahuh, that's a great strategy for gaining work-life balance, just ask any PhD student... right??

The studio was meant to be a useful transition from working too much at the day job, to working a bit more on my own interests, but so far - oh the irony - all the long hours at work have made it hard to find the energy to get it set up properly. By the weekend I'm tired and ready for just seeing people and catching up on sleep, cooking, hanging out. I feel like if it was set up I would be using it, but that burst of energy, planning, to do list ticking required to actually get me there is so painful I can't be bothered. A bit like the feeling I had when I lived in the mountains I guess and was too tired from commuting to move house closer to the city. But when I did I was so relieved. Could be also that the working long hours has been a handy excuse for not getting into the studio - we are complex beasts and decision making, moving towards change can come in fits and bursts - inspiration, resistance battling it out in the depths of our psyche. And certainly doing something I like just because I like it and not because it's 'good for the world' or what someone else needs is exceptionally hard for me. So re the studio, it's actually been a month and I'm still not in there. Paying rent, have keys - sure, that bits easy, but not kitted out or using the space. (But am drawing, daily, starting a morning routine, which is something).

So, back to the work thing, was thinking about setting myself some working hour targets - someone was telling me about how they all set actual targets for work-life balance in their office, eg. 'leave office for walk at lunchtime 3 days a week', 'miss yoga no more than twice in any month' - to make triggers to let them know when the balance isn't right. Maybe I should do that. LIke 'leave work no later than 6.30 for 4 days out of 5' Maybe sign up for another weeknight class, make lans to meet friends on weeknights more often. And keep practicing saying 'no, I'm already booked up, thanks anyway' to new work. Something.

Any tips? Well meaning ones please - I'm already too tired to handle mean comments.